My shoes are untied!

It's been a month since writing the preview to the highly anticipated matchup against the Old City Pickle Patties. With the game ending up on Buddy's birthday, we got him a win! Yay! Softball points for birthday! Yay team!

Recap
We are no longer winless! It does feel great to get the monkey of the back. Everyone hit. Everyone played solid defense. We gave up 3 runs in the top of the first inning, and then promptly sent 16 batters to the plate in the bottom of the first. That was essentially all that was needed in this game.

After that we pulled back and played station to station and made changes in the lineup. Pickle Pattie conglomeration might try to take solace in "winning" the last 5 innings  8-3, but when the final score is 24-11 that's like not throwing up after drinking spoiled milk. Sure it's a small success, but what the hell are you thinking? You had to chew through half of your glass! Fairly certain of this: if Ziggy had thumbs he would get on base and score runs too.

Proof humanity is on it's way to Idiocracy
Idiocracy is a movie starring Luke Wilson. He plays a soldier who enters a hiberation program. He wakes up in the future where everyone is stupid, and this makes him the smartest man in the world. Luke Wilson, the smartest man in the world. Ha!


Physicists in Switzerland may have discovered a lost sub atomic particle, but people in Minnesota have decided a film festival is much more worth humanity's time. Click here to read about an Internet Cat Film festival, and good luck with all the stupid children we'll be bringing into the world.

Stars of the Game
* Bobby - new recruit of Charlie's with a great swing
**Candy - went 4 for 4 and pitched a solid game
***Jason - team leader in OBP, and RBIs. His presence will be sorely missed on the team. Best of luck  to you in Florida being a proper astronomer!

Wrap Up
This week saw many other strange things. Marcus Hayes was absolutely blasted to hell on Twitter for being a terrible writer. Kyle Jacobs walked 14 batters, and Bryan Rice added child abuse to his list of activities. Ryan Blogson was married, and rumor has it the new misses is going to tighten the ball and chain and keep him limited to single digit softball leagues.  Are any of these more surprising than our win? Maybe just Bryan Rice hitting a child from 300 feet away with a softball.

Next week - 2 games. Monday against the Art Museum and Tuesday against Catahoula. There will be grilling after the Catahoula game.

No game tonight!

Game postponed. Date TBD

Old City Pickle Patties

TFI has been busy as we wind down the school year, and gear up for summer. It's been so busy, blogging has not been a priority.

As a result, I haven't posted in a while. Best part about not posting for a while are the complaints I receive. Not from Franklin Force Teammates, but rather from other teams. It must be so nice to have such lax responsibilities at work and home to have the free time to complain when some other team hasn't updated their blog.

In the last few weeks, we have gone 0-3, and had a BBQ softball day in 100 degree heat. Charlie has gone missing, and his picture is on milk cartons throughout the Kansas as the only picture available was with him wearing his Wicked Witch of the West socks. As a team, we have improved even if the record hasn't. Close losses to the Zoo and P&P have given some boost in morale, but with other problems. Last night, we had a OF to IF relay practice, and it was good. We had a base running practice. During this, Wiggs and Chippy played a real life version of a computer flash game keeping a softball in the air.

Outside of softball games/practice, we have been a social team. Hoagiefest was a well attended event this year, and Ron didn't eat all the damn hoagies. Tucker thought he was a bull, and jumped over a fire pit. Because that's what bulls do, I guess. Some people stayed at Dairy 2 until 6am and called out of work the next day. Lucky for them they were able to call out of work the next day, and didn't disappear. Fairmount park at night is a very dangerous place....

Tonight, we play the Old City Pickle Patties. The line for this game has been set at even. Both teams winless, so this is merely for bragging rights and not ending up with 0 wins, unless we tie. I'm sure Benedict Pickle and Brutus Wittwer are firing up their team with some incendiary remarks about how we say they look like dorks.  Doesn't matter.

We need this game.

Fleischer Game Scheduled!

Our one fully postponed game against the FAMbly Guys has been scheduled for May 21. That will give us two games that week. We play South Philly Tap dance Routine on Tuesday.

Practice tomorrow. Maybe.

The Best Cajun and Creole food in Philadelphia

"And the home of the best hurricane." - Whiskey Frank

If you haven't made your way over to the blog for the Art Museum this year, you're missing out on the best writer the CCSL has seen since Bob Ford saw a murky reflection of himself in the bathroom at the Holiday Inn Express.

The staff at Catahoula are friendly and warm, so their website says. They must seek the same in any person looking to wear the name of their fine establishment. So, I'm wondering what Nick Ventrola promised. He probably turned on that infamous charm, promised the world to some desperate server, and will probably crush her leaving her in the wake of so many who have tried before. Not until after he pays her application fee to Temple University.

It's never easy seeing your ex. There is always the twinge of nervousness, perhaps jealousy to see they're happy without you. You hope they are just putting on an act, and they actually cry themselves to sleep after downing a bottle of gin.  Perhaps there is some truth to it as the Catahoula Refugees came out to put a thumping on us both on the scoreboard and morally. After 6 innings, we are currently down 29-14. For all you gamblers that took the over, smart.

This game was important for the 'Fugees. Not for CCSL supremacy, but for closure. They can move on. Get that studio apartment in the city, and maybe adopt a cat. Branch out, meet someone new at pottery class, and fall in love. The future is bright for them. Who am I kidding? They're still bitter.

Now for a game recap.

We took a bit to get going. Buddy had a hit, so he keeps his beard, scored a run and recorded an RBI. (Ryan, did I just lead off the recap talking about Buddy? You bet your sore lower back I did.) It got us going. We hit a lot of singles, and that kept the runners moving.  We got more hits (22) in this game than we had in previous games. Progress on offense is good.

Defense was a struggle. Tough to get set for the team with hitters who can hit the ball where ever they want, whenever they want to.  Unless they are trying to catch the eye of a certain someone. In that case, he can't hit the ball without putting it on the other field.  Play deep, they hit singles. Cheat in, and it goes over your head.  We gave up 4 HRs. Lots of extra bases, still bad. However, Alyssa recorded her first out by punching Ventrola in the throat.

Odd and ends from the game.

Renardo still can't round 2nd base without tripping. Whitey, a.k.a. 2nd base, is always out to get him. Chelsea made a great play in the OF, and called me off before I ran into her. Paul didn't show up. Jess hung out on our sideline, while Derm played for the other team. Max ran the bases like a hero.

We will wrap up the 7th inning when we meet the Catahoula Jilted Lovers at a date TBD because somehow someone is getting married and having their honeymoon that week, and the commissioner didn't give a farg.

Stars of the Game

Admiral Buddy - got the offense going, gets to keep his beard
Maureen - double, run scored
Jason - 3 for 4, HR, 2 runs scored
Wiggs - 3 for 3, RBI, run scored
Max and Leo came!! (Yay Adrienne!)

Quotes

Oh, wait. No one sent me any. Text quotes.

Here's a fun dialogue!
Ryan: Oh hey, Maureen. (awkward word vomit)
Maureen: *giggle snort*
Ryan: (swoons)
Alyssa and Barb: AWKWARD!!!!!
Ryan: (more awkward word vomit)
Mickey: That Moira is one lucky lady! Yes sir!

Alyssa: Ryan! Stop rattling my cage!

Moira: I'm sorry about this. I'm sorry I'm marrying him.

Max: Hey! Clap for me!

Art Museum Recap

Ok. This did not go as well as anyone had hoped. 25-3. In 13 innings, we have been outscored 44-10. The days of Franklin out-slugging the other are clearly over, and our defense was in shambles Tuesday night. Edgely 2 certainly wasn't much help. Ravines on the left side of the infield, sand for a third base line, the whole thing up hill. This field was so bad looking, it makes a Nick Ventrola post softball driving crash course look like a child in an inflatable bouncy castle.

Stars for Game 2:
* Charlie "I got new pants so stop calling me Brett Favre" - solid defense in a game that didn't feature much.

** Brendan "Chippy" - the Art Museum kept coming at him and he stayed strong, making some nice catches in the outfield.

*** Fairmount Park! Thanks for letting the league know you'll be renovating a field after you approve a permit and take the money for it. If we want to fix this recession, let's turn it over to them. They have it figured out.

This game hurt to go through, and next week will be a challenge. We will be facing Catahoula's Revenge this week. I hear it makes Montezuma's Revenge feel like a pleasant day off. They will be looking to run up the score, and will attempt to do it without the last manager of The Franklin to ever lead the team to a championship.  Ryan has been on the DL and hopes to return by Monday. He will play, if only to hit the ball at Captain Buddy or Tucker the DizzyBatDevil. Just once more to feel the joy, and remember the good old days when the FAG would come and he could scamper the bases with a cup of gin in hand.

We could be witnessing the twilight of a great CCSL career. Sure Ryan will stick around, swing his mighty bat, and hit a ball 300 feet. Just like when Babe Ruth would hit a home run and have a pinch runner finish for him, an eager Tim "Shane Victorino without ADD" Marino could run for him from first base, somehow miss second then be called out.

Or, I could be wrong.

If we hope to have any chance this week it will have to be with defense. Keeping the game close will play to our advantage.

At the end of the day, we infuriate them. It's like when an unstoppable force meets and immovable object.  They can't just let us go out of some misplaced sense of self righteousness, and we won't let it go cause it's just too much fun. I think us and them are destined to do this for a long time.

Bad Touch Museum Recap

Show on the doll where the bad people hurt you.....


I have been avoiding this post all week. Game 1 did not go the way I had hoped when running through Manhattan to get on an earlier bus. We played tight, made too many mental errors on the field, and swung at bad pitches. One thing I did get correct, the game was suspended due to darkness. The final inning will be concluded when we meet them again. We are currently at 19-7, in case you needed to be reminded.

Big thing to take away from this game: mental awareness. We have talent on this team, but knowing what to do and when to do it during every at-bat was missing. What will help is practice, but since the next game is tomorrow night, it will have to be a work in progress.  We will go over game situations before game time.

Tomorrow, we play Fleischer Art Museum. Don't take this team lightly. They are better than last year, and tomorrow's weather could play a big factor.  Come ready to play.

Opening Day

The day has finally come.

It's opening day for The Franklin Force under new bearded management: Buddy Muhler, with AssCaps InjuryGraham and Mickowitz. The blog has been refreshed from its Orange Creamsicle paintjob, and the logo has moved on from its PBR inspired artwork. CCSL fans (all 3 of those guys who show up in lawn chairs and ridicule anyone in LF....and Bob Ford) are certainly abuzz with start of the new season.

After a few practices, and two scrimmage games against newcomers, Old City Pickle Pattys, (No one is going to refer to you by your voted on team name.) The Force start their season at home in Belmont. This means the game will start 30 minutes late, because everyone will get lost trying to find it, and then be suspended by darkness. The opponent: Bad Touch. It's always interesting whenever TFI and BTM square off. Close games, high scoring games, and games where the BTM pitcher can't reach home plate are all possible when these two teams get together.

The new look Force will be without their leading RBI sluggers/PBR abusers Former Management and Former Manager Memorial Manager Nick Ventrola. They escaped Cuba and have started their own Refugee team, assuming everyone survived the rickety raft trip made from the trinkets one collects during Clubedventure events.

This season promises to be an exciting one, or I will just blame it all on Wiggs.

Kyle's Koaching Korner pt 2

I'm buzzing the tower on this one! yeah I don't care that we're up 17 runs in the 3rd inning, I want to preserve the shutout against these losers. My pitcher has a 3 hitter going, which means only one hit per inning so far. Yeah, I minored in math in college.

I'm buzzing the tower! I don't care if I overthrow the backstop, people will just think, "wow that guy must work out." and i do. a lot. What can I say, I like to show off my body. I'll even do cock pushups for my one night stands.

Come on batter, get a hit so I can buzz the tower! It's boring out here. My pitcher likes to get inside the batter's head and outsmart them, which means it'll be 20 pitches before he throws anything near the mat. Sometimes I find myself daydreaming out here. Daydreaming and adjusting myself. People think I'm often adjusting my jock strap because my hand's always in my pocket, my really, my penis is so small, I have to keep making sure it's still there. And sometimes I'll talk to myself while waiting for my pitcher to GPS the mat.

I'm not sure if you could tell, but I wear UnderArmour wifebeaters. Yeah you can't get them regularly so I specially order them. What happened was that I sent in a picture of myself because I know a guy at UnderArmour, from craigslist,

and when he saw what a stud I was, he let me in on the secret wifebeaters.

My friends bust my balls, but I don't consider it gay to send a naked picture of myself to another dude, because we're fans of each other. If you're fans of each other it's not gay to exchange naked pictures. We're just admiring each others' bodies. I think busting balls is gay, because just think about it.

And I don't care if the photos end up on the internet because if people see them, my chances of making the cut for the CCSL calendar will only increase.

So I was thinking about seeing the new Winnie the Pooh movie this week. Maybe I'll take a half day from work and go to the matinee to avoid the rush. I'm technically not supposed to be that close to kids, (I personally like to keep a 500 feet minimum distance, because of the fact that seeing breast feeding makes me gag, or that's what I tell myself anyway), but that's only if you ask the justice system. Don't ask, and don't answer if asked, I always say.

I wear cutoff sleeves when I can. People always say "Look at those pythons," but they should say look at those antaresia maculosas if they want to be specific. One of those Penn science dorks taught me that.

I'm soooo bored. Hey, did you know that the Arctic Ocean is the smallest ocean? I read that this morning on my Peaches 'n' Cream oatmeal packet.

I buzzed the tower on that one! Oh shit, no one was on second or third. Oh well. Hey! Check out my antaresia maculosas!

You stay classy, Ball Tappers

Well, now that the dust has settled and we ended on the wrong side of the CCSL championship for the first time ever, let's discuss the game. Final scores from the 2 games, 13-10 L, and 9-4 L. Gross. Utterly awful play from the defending champs. I won't say that we deserved to win the 1st game, but neither did they. I'll discuss this in the recap. But here, I would like to draw attention to several 'notes' from the game. The picture on the right was sent to the Mgmt shortly after the win. Always classy, Tap Room. Also, there were many spectators at the game from the Collar, Art Museum, Pencil......and only one person sat on the side of the Tap Room. That was Ron. I assume he thought they had hoagies or Metamucil. So, we have won 5 straight years and everyone was rooting for us???? I find that strange. I guess for my answer, again, please view the picture to the right.


Recaps

We lost the first game 13-10 in a rain delayed (by a week) game. Story of the game, of their 13 runs, at least 7 were unearned. And by unearned, I mean UNEARNED. Not you typical, oh, the infielder made an error on an Edgely 4 ground ball and they scored 1. Nope. Dropped fly balls led to 7 runs. Dropped. Yes, I was 0-3 with a sac fly and sucked. But we did score 10 runs and still should have won that game. The bounces went their way and not ours. This is the nature of the game. Pete catches the diving ball in left field down the line instead of having it pop out and they don't score another 3. Meanwhile, they made 2 spectacular catches to save runs in this game. If it were one game, eh, so what. But it carried over into the second game, which we had no chance in. Again, dropped fly balls and other errors led to 2 out runs for them while Ogre Benson catches an over shoulder fly ball diving backwards to rob at least 1 run. Silly. It's Ogre Benson! Ugh. So disappointed, not with the loss so much, but with the way we lost. That's not the Franklin.....that's not even Mexico!

The Good

Not a lot of good. In fact very little. Memorial Nick had 5 hits, Mickowitz crushed the ball in both games and happened to be unlucky. We only had to play Benson in one of the games. That's all I got. Shit.

The Bad

Let's see...I'll start with me first, since I am not above reproach. 0-3 in the first game with 4 weakass fly balls in the first game. I don't think we win if get hits there, because of aforementioned errors, but the game is considerably closer, and who knows, maybe I score 2 or 3 times. Different game. I sucked ass. Now, several 2 out errors in the infield. Hurts. Misplayed outfield balls aplenty outside of the 5 dropped fly balls. Our outfield has never played so poorly. Second game was the opposite offensively (but not defensively). I actually hit better but some of the people who hit well in the first game didn't. Way to click at the same time, team. Inconsistency. Ugh, so frustrating. Scored 4 runs. And our 2 and 3 hitters scored them all. On a slick field. Just terrible. Sigh. Oh, and this was Blonde Benson's (pictured right) last game in the CCSL. Sad. He's still a douche though.

The Franklin Mystique

Things were actually looking so bad for the Franklin that Fordo while umping, actually said "who are you going to pop up to next?" to the Mgmt while in the box. That's a dismal outlook. So of course I hit the ball as hard as I could at Benson. That's the best slump buster I know.

Moving on......

So, the first part of this writeup is clearly angry, disappointed, unfunny, and atypical of these things. So, I've said my piece, now we get back to enjoying this league. As I said to Benson last year, when he told me he didn't care about this league (funny that he was screaming like a little girl who just opened her new Barbie Dream House on Xmas morning when they won the Championship), if you don't don't get angry, upset, or frustrated at some times in this league, then you don't care about it that much. I still feel that way. This is my favorite league and I wouldn't trade the losses for anything else. Except maybe a smile on Fordo's face whenever he steps on a softball diamond. Or a game when Pam has laryngitis.

Lumber Liquidator Studs of the Week

Mickey
Candy
MMN
Ford
Kyle/Jeremy/Nevins
Phyllis' boobs
Kate Beckinsale

Paul Watch

A grainy picture was sent to the Enquirer earlier this month and while initial reports are that it has been photoshopped, we'll still post it here. If you notice in the photo, which appears to be taken at some sort of Forearm Brothel, there is a hulking figure to the right that clearly looks uninterested, boring, and pumped full of creatine. More on this as it develops.

NASDAQ Trade of the Week

We traded runs for errors. We also traded nice, sunny July evenings for fall in London.

CIALIS Boner of the Week

TMTC

Collarblog Syntactical Error of the Week

Has nothing to do with the blog, but Flynn angered the Ogre. I'm sure he's porridge somewhere.

Benedict Pickle's Historical Reference of the Week

On this day in history, July 27th, in the years 2006-2010, The Franklin Institute won 5 consecutive CCSL titles. NEVER FORGET!

Ed's Movie of the Week

The Natural, 1984

Phyllis' Retro Porn Movie of the Week

The Da Vinci Load

Quotes from the Week

"If you have to do a reacharound, that's okay."
Chandra

"I'm so angry I could hit a child."
Brett Favre

"Jeremy's looking good out there, drinking a PBR and not paying attention."
Fordo

"Hope you beat Icky Benson."
Phyllesbian

"I'm game for anything."
La Nice

"We won! I still wish I was taller."
Alvin

"I am getting pink sitting here."
La Nice

"Flynn is like the Unthunder God."
Mgmt

"I'm engaged!"
"Congratulations Buddy! You know they make you take a blood test before you can actually get married?"

"I wish Tina was here."
MMN

"1 too many Marinos, I guess."
Buddy

"Willmarth is like a gazelle out in left field....you know, the kind of gazelle with a broken leg that is unaware a pride of lions is 30 feet away."
"I don't get that reference."
"Shut up, I'm angry."

"That chick over this is hot."
"Which one, Carol?"
"No the other one."
"Tan Carol?"
No, the other one."
"That's Jeremy."
"Yeah."

"We may have to call an ambulance, Benson put the trophy all the way up."
"It's gone to us now."

"For once, I'm glad I'm in Long Island."
Vellia

"No way I'm putting these fucking banners up in the rain."
Fordo

"I'm glad I don't play in this league. It gives me more time to work on my hobbies."
Whiskey Frank

Kyle's Koaching Korner

The following was overheard after one of the playoff games, probably by one of the league's shortstops:

Fuckin' check me out! I pelted a dude in the back of the neck tonight!

You know what bunches up my jock strap?! When those fuckin' batters hit a groundball to my right, and instead of squaring up behind it to let it bounce off my chest in case I miss it, I backhand it since you know, I'm a fuckin' first-ballot CCSL All-Star, and it trickles into the Outfield. And then those fuckin' runners have the audacity to turn the corner at first and just gaze at me, like they've never seen my stunning good looks before or the 3 chest hairs sticking out of my collar. Did that runner just blow a kiss at me?! They're fuckin' goadin' me into heaving the ball over at them, 'trying' not to hit them in the neck.

Yeah so what if I'm standing on second base as I throw it and they have nowhere to run. Or that my first baseman has no clue that I'm about to unleash a 40 mph rocket in his direction.

He should pay attention to me more often. I was an Honorable Mention for 4th Team all Little League 20 years ago! I can almost do a one-arm pushup now! I hardly ever need a chaser after downing a Mimosa!

Maybe I'll peg it at that first baseman's face if he's not looking my way. The softball won't just leave a mark on his face, it'll leave a fuckin' memory that you don't break eye-contact with your fellow infielders unless told to do so!

Either way, I'm hittin' someone above the shoulders!

Now who wants to buy me a Fuzzy Navel?!

At the Koaching Korner, we've never seen a play where a throw back to first base actually results in an out. Usually the ball is mishandled by an unsuspecting first baseman, is thrown away, or is simply caught with the runner already standing on the base.

Next time someone 'gazes' at you, just wait for time-out to be called or give him your secret signal letting him know that you'll meet him in the Men's bathroom at the Collar afterwards, and get on with the game.

Crap Room Recap

Meh. I know I've started out these recaps with meh. before. But seriously, is there a word that best describes that feeling? I think it'll always be meh. It's the same feeling Buddy must get every time he wakes up. Meh. Oh, and this photo to the right is one of very few that I ever get sent of people actually in the stupid league. Meh.

Recap

So, we lost. Our worst lost of the season. 14-9 I believe it was. Edgely 8. My memory of much of it is hazy after a week. But here's what I remember. It was a back and forth game for the first couple of innings, not so much in terms of score, but more in the scoring. They would get 2. We would get 1, they would get 3, we would get 2. The difference I feel, and MMN felt differently, was that they got scoring up and down the lineup while we didn't get any runs, and few hits, from 6-10. And I think that was the difference through the first 5 innings when they held 2 or 3. I think it was 9-7. Something like that. Then, the Taproom Ogre hit a 3 run homerun in the 6th to extend the lead to 7 and that was that. Franklin mounted a comeback in the bottom of the 7th to cut it to 5 but it was too late. Luckily we still hold the tie breaker against them, but it likely won't matter and we'll either be the 3rd or 4th seed. Meh.

The Good

Played well all around but not good enough to win on that day. First 3 hitters were 6-6 with 6 runs scored after 2 at bats a piece. The problem was that it took 4 innings to get those 2 at bats. Also, the bottom of the lineup produced in the bottom of the 7th with 3 straight hits to turn it over with no outs. You could see the veins popping on Alvin and the Taproom's forehead.

The Bad

Defense was generally good with a couple of miscues. But, it's slow pitch softball. The think the problem was that usually, we play around our errors and we rarely pay for them. However, on that night, every error turned into a run and then our defense had to start pressing. So we made a couple more with people trying to do too much. Also, we are currently 2-2 on games which involve Benson fights. That guy needs some Midol. Also, their 2-hitter specifically targeted Pell with a linedrive. He may have been Jewish I guess.

The Franklin Mystique

After their obvious lack of sportsmanship, the Taproom was rewarded by the softball gods by having Fishtown Benson's keys get locked in his car. Karma is a word that is thrown around so cavalierly these days so I won't use it. Instead, i'll point to the notion that the Taproom is -10 in run differential against the Forcs when Willmarth is there. Boom Math!

The Lumber Liquidator Studs of the Week

One-legged Pell
Anybody?
Bueller?

Paul Watch

Following the arrival of the Taproom Ogre, the Paul came out of the treeline to nervously observe the much larger predator. Once an apex carnivore in his own right, the obviously timid Paul became much more self-aware. The once prominent biceps seemed a little smaller, the neck, a little more apparent, and the sleeves almost seemed to hang slightly past the shoulder. After he had taken his fill of the scene, the Paul slowly withdrew into the shadows of the trees like a memory of something not wholly forgotten, a crude outline of the distant past.

NASDAQ Trade of the Week

Can I trade in this awful segment for once that doesn't get a Billy Joel song into my head every week?

CIALIS Boner of the Week

Black Marino, where the fuck are you going?

Collarblog Syntactical Error of the Week

None, Flynn changes that "blog" less than I change the real one.

Benedict Pickle's Historical Reference of the Week

June 28th, 1940 The tomato is proven non-poisonous. This brings up the age-old question, "how many minorities do you have to kill with a vegetable until it's considered non-poisonous?"

Ed's Movie of the Week

Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, 1998

Phyllis' Retro Porn Movie of the Week

Romancing the Bone, 1984

Management's Scientific Explanation of the Week

How are fossils made? Good question, Bobby. Fossils are a product of luck. They require special circumstances in order for the remains to survive. And when I say remains, it's actually a bit of a misnomer, as a fossil contains negligible amounts of the animal which is now mirrors. Fossils animals can be found frozen, imbedded in tree amber, or preserved in substances such as tar. But the traditional fossil found in rock occurs like so. An animal dies, usually, it dies near a source of water such as a river basin, the bottom of a lake, etc. The reason for this is that the fossil requires rapid (within days to months) sedimentation upon it. This is necessary since predators, erosion, etc. are likely to disturb the fossil remains or destroy the bone before it has a chance to be embedded in rock and fossilize. Fossils are often covered by extreme events like mudslides, volcanic ash, and flooding that cover the remains and prevent them from being eroded. Over time, more layers of sediment are deposited upon them, all the while the flesh, hair, and degradeable materials are eaten away by bacteria within the sediment. The bone is slowly replaced by calcified minerals such that when the bone is uncovered later by erosion, digging, etc. the bone is actually mostly gone and what you're left with is an imprint of that the bones looked like and how they were arranged.
The more you know.


Quotes from the Week

"Hey Frank, you look like shit!"
Julio

"Still waiting for Kyle's Koaching Korner."
Everyone

"I love the Black Widow! And you can quote me on that!"
MMN, and I did

"Did the quesadilla work?"
MMN

"The torch has been passed."
Chandra about Pell

"Pell, we may have to take the leg."
Mickey

"Would you like my whole pickle?"
"Yes, I would."
Buddy and Pell

"Nice lego Batman!"
Kyle Jacobs

"Blah!"
Pam

"How the fuck did you lose to the Taproom? They're awful."
December Ford

"Ogre smash!"
Ogre

"Haha Nick! You made an error!"
Benson

"That's not my power alley, Benson."
Managment

"I am 0 for my last 30."
Verne

Your 2011 CCSL Calendar

January Donny Money

February Matty Matty Matty

March Mickey Mickelberg

Smarch Zen Master Jeremy

April Whiskey Frank

May Ponytail Ken

June Buddy

July Nevins

August Verne

September Marcus

October MMN

November Management

December Ford

The 3rd Annual NVMA Awards!!!!!

This award is given out yearly to the CCSL player who best exemplifies the attributes, dignity, and all around drunken foolishness of the late Nicholas Ventrola. Special consideration should be given to the following actions: total alcohol consumed, most racial slurs, drunk driving, destruction of private property while intoxicated, bat throwing, spontaneous loss of bowel control, needless yelling, needless arguing, needless jersey repair, flatulence, and violence to inanimate objects.
The nominees this year are:

MMN







Mini Marinos 2011 NVMA Award Winner






Phyllis "The Robo-lesbian"





Edward the Longshanks







Pam's Dog aka Poopyface Vaginanose







Buddy 2009 NVMA Award Winner


Tina 1742 NVMA Award Winner




Legless Pell






Runover Tin Cock "Drunkenly bikes into parked cars









Whiskey Frank








2012 Social Chair Ray








Write ins are welcome and encouraged.
Either send me your votes via email or paste them in the comments below. Yay!

Hoagiefest: Part Ducks

First of all, this post is a week late because I'm busy and you can all go F yourself with your shower nozzle.

Holy mother fucking shit! I think that's the easiest wait to start off this post. So many things to discuss, so little time (yes I do other things, Ed, ass!). Now that I've read both the Pencil and the Fake Collar "blog" I feel I can finally write this. Although, I think I would rather read Phyllis's digits in the Snackbar bathroom 100 times than have to read the fake Collar "blog" again. I thought the "yay"s were tough on the real blog, but crap man, I couldn't fall asleep faster by counting sheep.....jumping over the warts on Kyle Jacobs' vagina. Hey-O!
And on we go!

Just to get it off my chest. I watched "Jon Benjamin has a Van". Disappointed. I also went to Hoagiefest. Disappointed. Our lovely Phyllis, who I adore, put up a great fight and the evening was a spectacular success by all accounts. I mean seriously, I've been in this league for 8 years and even I didn't know half the CCSL players at Hoagiefest. Most were in the Bonaroo Band Circle from the Fleisher but who cares? Hippies need food too. Just not clothing.....hygiene....or any achievable way to make money. The turnout was the absolute best we've ever had at any event ever. Period. And it was all Phyllis's doing. Her boobs helped.
Why was I disappointed? It's easy. I wanted a hoagie, but extinct Commish Ron ate them all. Check the PnP blog on the left. Ron is the culprit. And he died during Prohibition. Unreal.

The Game The Recap

Fordo wrote a very good recap of the game from the side of the losers. Read it. It's tame, but it's good. So, as a winner, I'm going to write a half-assed account of the game from the side of the winners. Why we won? Timely hitting. Why it was close? Untimely defense. "The Lovely Pell" started pitching and our defense and their hitting allowed them to take a 6-0 lead. And, as you can tell, they scored 3 runs the rest of the game while we clawed our way back into the lead. It was 10-9, going into the bottom of the 6th with our bottom coming up. And, we scored a strong 4 runs with hits by our bottom and top to ice it. Good win. The Pencil came to play.

The Good

Fordo got a new crush. We won the game. We played consistent softball the entire game following the 1st inning debacle. Good defense. Timely hitting. Points.

The Bad

If we don't have a strong 6th inning, we maybe lose that game. Verne Siebert started his run of 17 straight line drive outs. Pell threw 14% strikes. Russ is a douche. Marcus didn't swear at anybody. THERE WERE NO FUCKING HOAGIES!

The Franklin Mystique

Perennial medical cadaver Ron, after eating all of the allotted Franklin Hoagies, went over to the Pencil on Edgely 8 and asked Fordo how the game was. Fordo responded, "how the fuck do you think?" MC Ron apparently didn't hear anything and sprinted past Fordo, picked up a quarter of a hoagie that someone had dropped, found a quiet dark corner where he sat eating, hunched over, looking up occasionally to see if anyone was plotting to steal it.

Lumber Liquidator Studs of the Week

Phyllis
Fleisher Band Circle
Buddy
Pell the Conqueror

Paul Watch

Paul showed up briefly at the game before he was smothered in relish and brown mustard and promptly engulfed by Ron.

NASDAQ Trade of the Week

We traded no hoagies for 35 pizzas. Sigh.

CIALIS Boner of the Week

Hard to give it to him with "boner" in the title and all, but Former Commish Ron forsaking his own game to make sure he got hoagified. On the Franklin, we call that a "Tucker."

Collarblog Syntactical Error of the Week

"and almost immediately we were getting that feeling back that we had against the Zoo"
Not a syntax error, but seriously? You need to get that Zoo feeling back? Aim higher.

Benedict Pickle's Historical Reference of the Week

June 21st, 1946 Bill Veeck purchases the Cleveland Indians for $2.2 million. He then marries Rachel Phelps, an exotic dancer, who tries to get the team to be as bad as possible so she can move the team to Florida. She also get naked cardboard-style.

Wagner's Movie of the Week

Starvation, 1989

Phyllis' Retro Porn Movie of the Week

White Men Can't Hump, 1992

Quotes From the Week

"We don't even get a blog post this week? Lame."
Fordo

"Give money to Phyllis for hoagies. You have to put it down her shirt though."
Nevins

"Ron Hungry! Ron Smash!"

"Look at all the little Fleisher nerds."
La Nice

"Aw, is that Nick's 4th one on one meeting?"

"Busy warming up the leather whip and handcuffs."
La Nice

"Hurry! Phylli's hoo-ha is hanging out the bottom of her dress."
La Nice, again

"Phyllis hasn't seen a wang like that since Beijing."
Mgmt

"That's hard."
Tina

"That girl looks like a gelfling."
Smellia

"That was really a Tucker thing for me to do."
Benedict Pickle

"I wanna be behind Tina."
Buddy

"Get the fuck off the cooler!"
"Balls!"
Mgmt to Tina

"Is that why teach preschool? Because you can't read?"
"No, because I can't add."
Pat to Alyssa

"Use condoms or you could get a rash or the herp."
"Yeah, not using a condom would be a rash decision."
Brett Favre and Pat, followed by a rimshot

"The game's over? We were still talking about how the Nazis died."
Benedict Pickle

"Were you talking about Nazis?"
Pell

"Fordo, do you know who went to get pizza?"
"Well, you're here. And Nick's there..............Nevins!"
Mgmt to Fordo

"Why does my blog suck so badly."
JTF

"Let's see if I can light this and hail some aliens."
Colach before burning off his eyelids

"From those of us who did not get a hoagie, "Thanks for making sure everone enjoyed Hoagiefest, Nick!""
Mickelberg

"My fallopian tubes are itchy."
Benson

"I'm a dick who's gonna move away from the CCSL."
Blonde Benson

"I hate this team."
Marcus

"Ha ha, I love this team!"
Lynch

06/20/11 Recap: Slightly Uncomfortable Touch

So, not so much the Bad Touch anymore. In fact, an all around fun game with no animosity, lots of joking, and some shoulder-removals (more on that in a bit). The final was 20-2 but it was much closer for most of the game. And, the Bad Touch paid their debt of a case of cold delicious PBRs smooths for a previous wager. Didn't expect it to be paid. Happiness all around. We did have to pour out one for our lost Homey, Clarence Clemons. Miss you big guy.

Recap

The Management had a phone interview for a jerb so he missed the first half of the game. I know I know. NEVER let your career interfere with CCSL softball. So I failed. My CCSL stock has now fallen below Buddy but ahead of Marcus so that means there's hope. When the Management did arrive, it was the 4th inning and the score was 9-0....then 11-0. So obviously, MMN called in the shut down closer, um......yours truly and also the "let them scratch back into it shortstop" also known as Chris M. The Management pitched beautifully for 3 innings giving up 2 UNEARNED runs before getting pulled in the 7th after giving up a seed to a 6-year old. Aforementioned 6-year old tatooed a ball of the Management right past a not-so-diving Brett Favre. Cheering ensued. Final score 20-2. Yay.

The Good

On to the books! Matty Matty Matty, 2 hits, 2 runs. The Black Marino and Mickey had 4 runs a piece. MMN went 3-3, Ed, again, failed to score. What a loser! Debbie scored on a sacrifice fly!!!!! 20 runs is a lot. Jason had 3 RBIs it looks like. Well played everyone! And Matty Matty Matty was there! The Mgmt nearly struck out Claudia AND Courtney. Good times.

The Bad (or funny)

Claudia struck out Benedict Pickle. It was delicious. Suzeeee took a hard one off the boob. Left side of the infield made about 47 errors. You know who you are! I only made 3.5 innings. Meh.
Alyssa got mad at the Management. Sorry Alyssa!!!!!! I love you oodles. The Mgmt gave up a seed to a 6 year old. Weak sauce. A Bad Toucher separated his shoulder. It looked bad. Our resident physical therapist said it looked really bad. We'll take his word. Hope its not as bad as Spencer's. But, likely, that guy isn't as much of a pussy as Spencer.

The Franklin Mystique

During the game, Blog favorite Claudia came up to bat against the Mgmt. The Management threw a first pitch strike to a stunned Claudia who exalted, "Whoa! That pitch was nasty!" Duh. The Management then threw a second pitch inside knowing that Claudia, a rookie, would get eager and foul it off to the left. Which....she did. Clearly frustrated, Claudia then took a step out of the dish, looked up at the sky, and said a quick prayer which, I believe, was directed at Haephestus, The Greek God of metallurgy and putting a third strike in play. She then stepped into the box and received another beautiful pitch from the beautiful CCSLer which, luckily, she was able to ground to C. Marino which, of course, meant that she got to first base. She then looked at the Management and said, "Thank you! I really appreciate it," knowing full well that he had allowed it to happen.

Lumber Liquidator Studs of the Week

Suzzeeee
Black Marino
MMN
Matty Matty Matty
Debbie
Alyssa
Buddy
Bad Touch Frank's son
Separated Shoulder Guy

NASDAQ Trade of the Week

The Management traded 3.5 innings of CCSL softball for a potential job in Wilmington. He got hosed.

Paul Watch

Beware the ThePaul, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the sleeveless bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersleeve!"

He took his vorpal bat in hand:
Long time the TapRoom foe he sought --
So rested he by the Edgely tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in neckless thought he stood,
The ThePaul, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffing through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the ThePaul?
Come to my sleeveless arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

CIALIS Boner of the Week

It goes to Phyllis for not moving Hoagiefest to Dairy 2 WHERE IT WAS LAST YEAR! You know, we have so few traditions in this league and, sigh, Phyllis has to go and defecate all over our most sacred one by changing fields for selfish reasons. Bad form, Phyllis. Bad form.

Collarblog Syntactical Error of the Week

"another key match up"

Benedict Pickle's Historical Reference of the Week

June 20th, 1793, Eli Whitney patents his cotton gin. And think where we would be without it!

Ed's Movie of the Week

What About Bob, 1991

Phyllis' Retro Porn Movie of the Week

The Opening of Misty Beethoven, 1975

Management's Scientific Explanation of the Week

How do vaccine's work? Well, your body has two broad mechanisms of defense to invading pathogens that act in concert. One, the humoral system, involves the production of antibodies by B cells which bind to viruses, bacteria, and parasites or cells that are infected with them. For many infections, antibodies are required for resistance. Vaccines work by stimulating an antibody response to a portion of the pathogen and inducing partial or full protection upon natural challenge. The antibody response is not optimal following vaccination as most vaccines are simple models of an actual infection and will wane over time which is why we give boosters to many vaccines. Vaccines, when taken broadly, can induce something called herd immunity where the chances of an infected person being able to pass the disease is extremely slim because everyone he/she comes into contact with has been vaccinated. This was the broad strategy for how we eradicated smallpox. The More You Know!!!!!


Quotes From the Week

"Drove by your game, looks like a Toucher got hurt."
P, and he did, badly

"I got yanked by a 6 year old."
Me, I'm told

"Buddy's mouth looks like an old Irish lady's vagina."
Pat

"Why didn't you just put it in the cooler?"
"Because somebody wanted to touch my wet weiner."
Debbie and Pat

"Is Nick still here?"
"Yeah, there's a groups of people, he's here."
"He's the one in the middle with his mouth open."
Brett Favre, Buddy and Pat

"It's douche couture."
About Nick's sunglasses

"My girlfriend just tried to kill the first baseman!"
Mickey

"You're never going to use those anyway."
Mickey about Nick's balls

"I'm terrible at writing my blog."
Flynn or Ryce, throw a rock.

"I'm sleeping 17 hours tonight so I can rage tomorrow at Hoagiefest."
Fordo

"I've played 2 seasons in this league and I'm the career leader in strikeouts."
Benedict Pickle

"How did your 900 number phone call go? We heard a lot of moaning from the dugout."
Ed about the Mgmt's phone interview. Which would have been funny had he not repeated it about 16 times like he thought it was the best joke ever.

"I want the buffalo hoagie!"
"We know! You've only said it like 400 fucking times."
Mgmt and La Mean

"Hoagiefest is at Dairy 2!!!!!"
Phyllis

Spotlight on the CCSL Vol. 7

Team: Pen & Pencil Softball Club and Sex Trafficking

Location: Somewhere between the Shire and Rivendell

Nipple size: medium, light brown tint

Favorite CCSL Player: Phyllis (clearly)

Favorite Movie: The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

If he were an Archer character he would be: Sterling Mallory Archer

Spirit Creature: Jack Lemmon

Herpes?: No

Genial Warts?: Yes, between 6 and 12

Last seen: Running out to short to beat up Russ for Marcus

Vegas Odds to sleep with Phyllis: pick 'em

Vegas Odds to sleep with Buddy: 6000 to 1

Claim to fame: Originally sat between Statler and Waldorf

Catch Phrase: "Whatever you want, Nevins."

Favorite Sexual Position: The Crusty Voyeur

CCSL Attractiveness Ranking: 6

Career Playoff Games: 80

Career Playoff Games in last 4 years: 0

Chances that he stuffs Brennan into his trunk and drives his car into a lake: Good

Number of CCSL players he knows: 45

Number of CCSL players he knows that are not the cute girls on other teams: 12

Hoagiefest Erection length (inches): Between 6 and 12

Least Favorite Professional Player: Desean Jackson

Odds he invented the internet: 3:1, either him or Al Gore

Ethnicity: Curmudgeon

Edventures list number: 18

Finish the sentence: Jon, there's Phyllis, can you make sure you get a picture of her _______ her nice__________ with grape jelly?

Favorite drink: stolen PBR

Protege: Alvin and the Tap Room, he won the "write a 400 word essay on why you want to be BF's assistant" contest

Tattoes: lower back, Swan with the words "Beak that Ass Up"

CCSL Free Time Ranking: 2nd, behind your truly

Where most people read his column: above the urinal at Lucky 7

Often confused with: Charles Lindbergh

CCSL Sandyness Ranking: 4

Time he will go home after Hoagiefest: 7:30 a.m. right after Legs 'N' Eggs at Delilahs

Number of prostitutes killed by him and Some Kind of Spanish: between 6 and 12

Career CCSL profanities: 8, 459

Favorite 1980s wrestler: Jimmy "Superfly" Snookah

Tuesday, June 14th, 2011, circa 7:18 E.D.T.

CCSL CALENDAR!!!!!!

Okay, the 2011 CCSL Calendar is in the works. And this year's boys are all the rage. The problem is that we have so many eligible hot pieces of arse that we can't fit them into 12 months....or La Nice's bedroom. So, we're having a contest. Here are your 60 contestants. They will be in the poll to the left.

60 for 12.

All the boys. It's not a popularity contest, but if you don't win, you should probably die.

Spotlight on the CCSL Vol. 6

Team: Fleisher Fart Museum

Nipple size: ask Ed

Favorite drink: Boilermaker

Favorite CCSL player: anyone with a pulse

Number of CCSL players she knows: 0, glaucoma

If she were an Archer character she would be: Mallory

Spirit creature: Arctic wolf

Likelihood she'll stab me after this post: strong

Likelihood she'll stab me if I don't post it: strong

Likelihood that knife will smell like Werthers: strong

Herpes?: No, wasn't invented yet

Claim to fame: was in the Shining

Vegas odds to sleep with Phyllis: 4:1

Vegas odds to sleep with Buddy: 5:2

Catch phrase: "These nipple clamps are itchy."

Favorite Sexual Position: The Ghost Banana

Edventures list number: 157

CCSL attractiveness ranking: 3

Number of castles haunted: 15

Career nipple twists: 2

Competitive Nikki Fear Factor: 7

Odds Joe is her son: slim, too young

Finish the sentence: When Tina saw Ray for the first time, he _______ her __________.

Was this picture staged?: No

Favorite food: mashed peas

Former career: private dancer (her words)

Favorite song: Camptown Races

Adjective that best describes the look she gives Nick: sultry

Number of CCSLers who claim her as their favorite: 27

Favorite 1980s wrestler: Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels