Spotlight on the CCSL Vol. 3

Name: Vaglia

Team: Formerly of the Franklin

Nipple size: Smallish, able to disappoint

Nicknames: Bad Ryan, Mrs. Haroon, Keebler, Prison currency, Capt. Reacharound, Small Benson, Healthy Lynch

Position: doesn't play anymore

Current location: living out of a run-down school bus in Long Island

Favorite color: pink

Ethnicity: sexually-transmitted Indian

Herpes: Oh, most certainly

Favorite sexual position: He-man bear slap

Favorite movie: Stuart Little

Favorite CCSL player: duh, Haroon

Vegas odds to sleep with Phyllis: 13:1

Often confused with: most species of rodents

Favorite CCSL manuever: E-5

Vegas odds of sleeping with Buddy: 3:1

Last sexual encounter: payday, 12th street wharf

Strangest attribute: not Lynch

Claim to fame: Phyllis knows him

Edventures list number: 6

Career CCSL errors: 127

CCSL attractiveness ranking: 23

Catchphrase: "I have no friends!"

Favorite 1980s wrestler: Fabulous Moolah

Game 2 Recap: FI beats PnPnST 14-5

What? No clever lines? No allusions to The Force being mythical beasts, raping and pillaging the helpless citizens of Penciltucky? I thought you were a writer, Ford. You've gotten soft.

Well, Memorial Manager Nick got his first win of the season and celebrated by having the cool, rich PBR ambrosia spilled all over him. Congrats MMN! And congrats Force. We are now 1-1 and somewhere in the middle of pack. Next week we play Alvin and the Tap Room on Edgely 4. MMN has promised a win. The Management has promised he'll be sauced.

Recap
14-5 Final. Good all around win. Mostly great defense. (ahem, Renardo, is your last name Marino?) Sound hitting up and down the lineup. Started out with 3 runs in the first on a 3-run bomb by MMN that went so far over Steve Lynch's head. He called the shot a "4 butt-er," as in, it took him 4 cigarettes to chase it down. In the bottom of the 1st, the Peni's collected a bunch of singles but could only muster 1 run. From there the team just kept tacking them on. 2 in the second, 1 in the 3rd, 1 in the 4th, 2 in the 5th, and some other runs later. 2 double plays were turned. Linedrives were caught. And everything came up Milhouse.

The Good
A lot of good. Verne Siebert had 3 hits and almost drilled Fordo. He is now 6-7 on the year or something. He's the best player on the team, just ask him. MMN and the Management had 2 hits. Renardo Marino had 3 hits. Leslie was on a couple of times and played great second base. Alice Kellepregnant showed up. Ed had at least one hit. Tim Marino caught a ball and Ford signed it for him. Chris Marino's vag didn't flare up. Buddy wasn't there. All around great night.

The Bad
Lynch had 2 hits bringing his career average against the Force to .173. MMN and the Management hit back to back infield flies in the 6th. The Management's went further, by the way. Aside from that and the aforementioned Renardo Marino, a well-played game all around. Oh, and the Management was beaten to 2nd base by a diminutive pygmy with bad foot odor who goes by the name of Russ. That sucked.

The Franklin Mystique
After the game, PnPnST coach Bob "Oil Can" Ford was seen with tears in his eyes holding an unknown substance. When approached, Ford turned to the Management and said, "It finally happened. Ron turned into dust." And then a slight breeze carried the former Commissioner down the hill and into traffic.

Lumber Liquidator Studs of the Week
Verne
Nardo
Chandra (she showed up in a cast!)
Benedict Pickle
Mickey (First "shut the fuck up Ryan! I'm not in the mood!" comment. Certainly not the last.

NASDAQ Trade of the Week
The Management sawed off Pete's bat during batting practice. He now traded in his two halves of a bat for a crisp new one.
Also, pork bellies

Cialis Boner of the Week
Derm pitching. 113 pitches, 8 strikes, 3 of those to Donlen

Paul Watch
Mark Nevins said a friend of his saw Paul at Bed, Bath, & Beyond pickup up linens. Attempts to verify that information were unsuccessful as the 'friend' was found dead at the bottom of an elevator shaft with multiple 'full nelson' bruises on his neck. Police are investigating.

Benedict Pickle Historical Reference of the Week
April 26th, 1865. Union troops hunt down and shoot dead John Wilkes Booth, assassin of some guy named Lincoln. Troops hunted him down 12 days after the assassination to a rural farm in Virginia where soldier Boston Corbett acted against orders and gunned down Booth. He and 3 other soldiers were later hanged.

Ed Wagner's Movie of the Week
The Great Outdoors

Phyllis Demo's Retro Porn Movie of the Week (NSFW)
The Poonies, 1985

Quotes From the Week

"Somebody is going to have to tell Ron he's going in next inning."
"You'll probably have to tell him twice."
Some PnPnSTer who chose to remain anonymous

"I'm not going to the game cause I have to watch America's 6th best sport."
Buddy

"Ford, can I get an inside pitch?"
"You got it!"
Oil Can and the Management before the Management tried to foul a ball right at Verne Siebert

"No fraternizing!"
Donlen

"He caught me guessing."
Donlen after striking out

"Why can't Derm throw strikes?"
"Cause he's sober."
Somebody

"Oh, so now you want to come over and be friends?"
A very sandy Nevins

"I look like somebody stepped on me."
Russ

"No more blogs about Buddy, I want to hear more about Phyllis' boobs."
Alice Kellepregnant

"I had to blow Nick only twice this week to get an at bat. Score!"
Benedict Pickle

"The Fart Museum blog looks like it was written by a 97 year old arthritic woman with glaucoma."
MMN

"I'm 6-7 on the season. Guys? Guys? 6-7. Right here."
Verne Siebert

"I'm scared of the Franklin. I'm gonna stay home tonight."
George Miller

"Who wants a mustache ride?"
Ron

"Yo, fellas, I hat dat baw so fweakin' haad. Ha ha, my man!"
Lynch before hi-fiving

"I'm the black Marino."
Renardo, earning himself a new nickname and a possible shoe deal

Buddy Facts

Buddy once got really mad at a horse and gave it an uppercut to the jaw........that's how giraffes were created.

Buddy does not wear a condom because there is no such thing as protection from Buddy.

Buddy does not lick postage stamps, he stares at them until they wet themselves.

Buddy does not want to be cool. Cool wants to be Buddy.

Sega made an arcade game once where you got to fight Buddy. Every time you put a quarter in, the screen immediately displayed, "You lose." It was Sega's most popular machine ever!

Buddy doesn't leave messages on voicemail. He leaves threats.

Buddy doesn't flush the toilet, He scares the shit out of it!!!

Buddy grew a beard at the age of eighteen....Seconds!

Buddy leaves messages before the beep.

Buddy was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom Full House. He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen twins.

Buddy can text from a payphone.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Buddy can actually take your beer and drink it yesterday.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Buddy out. It failed miserably.

There is no such thing as evolution, there is only a list of creatures Buddy allows to live.

Buddy is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Whenever Buddy makes a joke, the sound of an audience laughing comes from out of nowhere. Buddy will then turn to you, smile and give you two thumbs-up. After that, everything freezes; even you are unable to move. The laughter turns into music as credits begin to scroll down from thin air. Finally, your sight fades to black and there is nothing. When you regain your vision and mobility, Buddy is nowhere to be found.

If Buddy is late, time better slow down.

Buddy will not be at Cherry Street; Cherry Street will be at Buddy.

Buddy frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Buddy will be at softball tonight, Game 7 will start when Buddy is ready!

Adam Siebert Nickname Update!

From Mickey,

"Verne Siebert"

Spotlight on the CCSL Vol 2.

As requested.....

Team: South Philly Tap Room; aka Alvin and the Tap Room

Nipple size?: nipply, light purple tinge, normal diameter

Position: um, doggy.

Relation to a porn star: cousin, Jean Splithills

Favorite color: loud

Nickname: Tall Carol

Ethnicity: white/shrill

Favorite movie: Demolition Man

Favorite Sexual Move: Demolition Man

Herpes?: pending......

Favorite CCSL player: Bob Ford

Bob Ford herpes?: pending......

Vegas Odds to sleep with Phyllis: even

Favorite CCSL maneuver: the "goddammit Al!" classic.

Vegas odds of sleeping with Buddy: 47:1

CCSL attractiveness ranking: 24

Number of times her dog circles her during a game: 457

Strangest attribute?: not Jeremy

Last CCSL game played: during Prohibition

Number of Lifetime biographies about her life: 2

Number that didn't include Snookie: 0

Ed Wagner "Edventures" email list number: 4

Catchphrase: Go-go gadget handjobs!

Favorite 1980's wrestler: The Honky-tonk Man

Favorite antibiotic: ampicillin

Spotlight on the CCSL Vol. 1

Team: Pen & Pencil Softball Club & Sex Trafficking

Position: Left/Left bench

Ethnicity: Some kind of Spanish?

Nipple size: medium length, smallish in diameter

Favorite CCSL maneuver: purposefully foul off 10 pitches during twilight

Favorite movie: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Favorite color: orange

Strangest attribute: french-kissing dogs

Favorite CCSL player: Brian Donlen

Favorite Sexual move: Cleveland Steamer

Best quote: Bob Ford runs this team like a Russian primeminister....during the fall of communism

Herpes?: no

Vegas odds to sleep with Phyllis by the end of the season: 16:1

Number of people he can name on the Franklin Institute: 5

Vegas odds of sleeping with Buddy: 35:1

Chances that his last name is really Miller: slim

CCSL attractiveness ranking: 12th

Favorite 1980's WWF wrestler: Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake

Notes

We've been called out on Fordo's blog. Check out the link to the left. I expect retaliation to follow swiftly and with a reckoning.

The Adam Siebert Nickname Challenge!!!!

Some new aspects to the blog this week. First, as noted from the previous post, Adam MVP Siebert does not have a nickname. So, we're having a contest, who can come up with the best nickname for him.
Leave your suggestions in the comments, and we'll try them out. Winner gets an entire post to themselves to say whatever they want. Or 3 PBR pounders. Whichever.
My suggestions are:

The Purple Octopus
Captain Dynamo
Landshark

Have to try some of these out.

Happy Birthday, Asshole

Well that sucked. I should stop the blog post right now 'cause it's only gonna get worse. But I am a glutton for punishment so let's take a stab.

Yesterday was the 1st game of the 2011 CCSL season for the Forcs and also the coaching debut for Memorial Nick Ventrola. It was also my birthday. And now, after the game, I'm seriously regretting letting everyone know about it. People should learn about birthdays the natural way, through Facebook. The final score, 11-10. Typical Collar-Franklin game, the Collar jumps out to a commanding lead, 11-2 in this game, and they methodically try to piss it away by not scoring after the 3rd inning. The Forcs looked very rusty and the new 17-man lineup didn't help very much. In fact, it was about as useful as a dead bird on your forehead. Here's the recap:

Recap: (see, I told you.)

Collar was away, and they led off the top of the 1st with 4 runs, seemed like more, all to right field where rookie Situajim did his best Tim Marino impression. Not errors of course, just 1st game rust. Bottom of the 1st, Adam homers to left (1 of 2 over Donny Money, delightful), followed by a shitty lineout by the The Management, followed by outs of some kind. 4-1 after 1, we scratch out another run in the 2nd, then it all went to shit. 11-2 somehow, it was all kind of hazy. Lots of singles, not a lot of errors, and no hits by any of us. Including me, who's 2nd at bat looked like one I may have taken when I was 4.....and armless. Crappy. But then later we scratched out some runs and almost pulled out a miracle win as the Collar stopped hitting and started hemorrhaging runs. Ed got hit and Dermkowsky pitched well in relief for some reason. Afterward, Memorial Manager Nick (MMN) hinted that there might be opportunites to follow. Whatever. 0-1 start. Never in the illustrious history of the Franklin Forcs has the team started out 0-1. The newspapers are already calling for MMN's head. Oh, wait, The Management started out 0-1 last year. Right. This is a common occurrence. Lame.

The Good
Situajim looked good at the plate and several balls well. Rookies Leslie and Suzie (Susie? Suzy? Who cares?) played exceptional 2nd base in the absence of everyone else. 2010 MVP Adam "I need a nickname" Siebert continued his tear going 3-3 with 2 hrs, 2b, 3 runs, 3 RBI and even was seen giving a balloon to a 10 year old girl. Either he's an all around nice guy, or he's Pennywise from IT. I'm fine with both. Pitching was good. Hitting was okay.

The Bad
Well, we lost. Ugh. On my birthday. Ugher. Iffy all around 1st game but we'll be fine. Someone poured Gatorade all over Robby after the game. So classy out of the Commissioner's Cup winners.

The Franklin Mystique
I know we lost and it sucks but I've said it before, and it just makes you feel good: "At least we're not Benson." I feel better.

Lumber Liquidator Studs of the Week
Adam, duh.
Anybody that's not me
Suzee
Leslie
Candy (I miss her)

NASDAQ Trade of the Week
Adam Wojnotgonnaplayhere did just that. He didn't play. He was traded before the game to the Collar for one bottle of midrange gin and one bottle of Tullamore Dew. The bottles have not arrived yet and I'm told that this is a routine delay brought on by the players' union.

Cialis Boner of the Week
Would like to give it to me, but it's got to go to Chris Marino for tearing out the sutures in vagina-enhancement surgery from last week. Out 2-3 weeks.

Paul Watch
Does anybody even care anymore? I mean, how many bicep jokes can I make? One more? Fine. Paul didn't make the game yesterday because he was too busy getting a sailor tattoo and starting a fistfight with Bluto. I feel dirty.

Benedict Pickle historical reference of the week
On this day, April 19th, 1829 Ed Wagner was arrested for mopery. Also, 1775, battle of Lexington and Concord, beginning of the Revolutionary War. We won, stupid Redcoats.

Quotes of the Week (don't have many, text me more)

"I don't have to apologize for playing the game the right way!"
Always gracious, Bob "Oil Can" Ford

"Hey, Brian, is it your birthday today???"
Some dumbass bartender at a shitty bar that I never go to

"See that guy, you won't have any idea how to play him."
"Yeah, seemed like the Art Museum knew how to play him!"
Benson and the Management about Benson's "new stud" and his contribution to the 14-4 beating at the hands of the Farties.

"I had a kid today just to piss off Whitmarsh."
Brian Willmarth about his new son Owen. Make all the "Throw Momma from the Train" and "Royal Tennenbaum" references you like.

"Shit!"
Donny every time Adam was up

"My boobs look amazing today!"
"I know! So do mine!"
Phyllis and La Nice before kissing

"Where's my shirt! Crap! This sucks!"
Buddy

"I have crabs."
Tucker

"I'm the worst manager!"
Robby, not MMN

"Where's the Midol?"
Chris Marino

"Look! Outside of looking like a pedophile and drinking warm beer, here's another thing I do well!"
Derm about his pitching

"I didn't say anything funny all game."
Mickey Mickowitz

Practice! Practice?

Well, kids, let's talk about practice.

We had our first practice of the year on Tuesday. It's odd that Captain Memorial Nick called such a practice after a 2-0 preseason start, including two thumpings of the Fart Museum. But, this is a new regime, and since the Management would like to keep his role as team blogger, he begrudgeonly changes his tune. All hail Memorial Nick! He is all that is right! Long live the proletariat! Down with the bourgeoisie! The Management feels that Lenin Ventrola will lead us to a better tomorrow!

And, on we go. Who came to the practice you might be asking yourself? Well, not the turnout as either of the scrimmages, but still managed to get 10 on the field. And one of the Forcs was in midseason form. Who was it you might ask? Was it Buddy? No, he was home fornicating himself with a hockey stick. Was it Pete? No, he was home getting slapped around by Alice. Lucky bastard. Was it Vellia? Probably, although we can't be sure cause we didn't hear anyone whining like a Benson and getting carded at the movie theater. It was Candy!!!! Injuring herself by spraining her ankle. Vintage. Out 3 weeks. We're just kidding Chandra. Love you, get back soon. Not going to be the same without you.

So, what actually did we learn? Hittingwise, not much. The reason for that is because Ed threw an unhittable round of BP. Even Nevins wouldn't have thought he was as awesome as he thinks he is. And I can rip him, because he's in Florida right now probably golfing and wearing pants up to his nipples. So, Ed is being heavily considered for the starting SP job until Chandra gets back from rehab. Does this mean extra playing time for Buddy? No. It's Buddy.

Practice next Tuesday at some field. For those who want bp, we're hitting tomorrow at Edgely 8. Still no word on a Cherry scrimmage because Buddy was in charge of this. So that answers that. Our first game is April 19th against the Collar. This is a Tuesday. It is also the Management's birthday. Bring gin and expect to get tore up.

Quotes of the week

"Ed, do you know who I am?"
"You're Alice's husband."
"I'm Alice's husband???"
"No, you're her father."
- a very drunk Commissioner to the Management

"More boobs, please."
La Nice

"I'm only coming if we practice and don't scrimmage."
Pete, who didn't come when we practiced

"Am I the new Paul?"
Matty, but no one was around to know if he made a sound

"Who wants to smoke that pile of old clothes?"
Fart Lisa

"Who the hell are these people?"
Injury Graham

"That looked horrible. I mean, I'm actually sick to my stomach after watching her roll her ankle like that. I heard a pop."
"Yeah. That sucks. But it's only like #15 of Candy's Best of Reel."
Adam Wojnotgonnaplayhere and someone who certainly is not The Management

"Why didn't anybody tell me we were playing?"
Benedict Pickle