Happy Birthday, Asshole

Well that sucked. I should stop the blog post right now 'cause it's only gonna get worse. But I am a glutton for punishment so let's take a stab.

Yesterday was the 1st game of the 2011 CCSL season for the Forcs and also the coaching debut for Memorial Nick Ventrola. It was also my birthday. And now, after the game, I'm seriously regretting letting everyone know about it. People should learn about birthdays the natural way, through Facebook. The final score, 11-10. Typical Collar-Franklin game, the Collar jumps out to a commanding lead, 11-2 in this game, and they methodically try to piss it away by not scoring after the 3rd inning. The Forcs looked very rusty and the new 17-man lineup didn't help very much. In fact, it was about as useful as a dead bird on your forehead. Here's the recap:

Recap: (see, I told you.)

Collar was away, and they led off the top of the 1st with 4 runs, seemed like more, all to right field where rookie Situajim did his best Tim Marino impression. Not errors of course, just 1st game rust. Bottom of the 1st, Adam homers to left (1 of 2 over Donny Money, delightful), followed by a shitty lineout by the The Management, followed by outs of some kind. 4-1 after 1, we scratch out another run in the 2nd, then it all went to shit. 11-2 somehow, it was all kind of hazy. Lots of singles, not a lot of errors, and no hits by any of us. Including me, who's 2nd at bat looked like one I may have taken when I was 4.....and armless. Crappy. But then later we scratched out some runs and almost pulled out a miracle win as the Collar stopped hitting and started hemorrhaging runs. Ed got hit and Dermkowsky pitched well in relief for some reason. Afterward, Memorial Manager Nick (MMN) hinted that there might be opportunites to follow. Whatever. 0-1 start. Never in the illustrious history of the Franklin Forcs has the team started out 0-1. The newspapers are already calling for MMN's head. Oh, wait, The Management started out 0-1 last year. Right. This is a common occurrence. Lame.

The Good
Situajim looked good at the plate and several balls well. Rookies Leslie and Suzie (Susie? Suzy? Who cares?) played exceptional 2nd base in the absence of everyone else. 2010 MVP Adam "I need a nickname" Siebert continued his tear going 3-3 with 2 hrs, 2b, 3 runs, 3 RBI and even was seen giving a balloon to a 10 year old girl. Either he's an all around nice guy, or he's Pennywise from IT. I'm fine with both. Pitching was good. Hitting was okay.

The Bad
Well, we lost. Ugh. On my birthday. Ugher. Iffy all around 1st game but we'll be fine. Someone poured Gatorade all over Robby after the game. So classy out of the Commissioner's Cup winners.

The Franklin Mystique
I know we lost and it sucks but I've said it before, and it just makes you feel good: "At least we're not Benson." I feel better.

Lumber Liquidator Studs of the Week
Adam, duh.
Anybody that's not me
Suzee
Leslie
Candy (I miss her)

NASDAQ Trade of the Week
Adam Wojnotgonnaplayhere did just that. He didn't play. He was traded before the game to the Collar for one bottle of midrange gin and one bottle of Tullamore Dew. The bottles have not arrived yet and I'm told that this is a routine delay brought on by the players' union.

Cialis Boner of the Week
Would like to give it to me, but it's got to go to Chris Marino for tearing out the sutures in vagina-enhancement surgery from last week. Out 2-3 weeks.

Paul Watch
Does anybody even care anymore? I mean, how many bicep jokes can I make? One more? Fine. Paul didn't make the game yesterday because he was too busy getting a sailor tattoo and starting a fistfight with Bluto. I feel dirty.

Benedict Pickle historical reference of the week
On this day, April 19th, 1829 Ed Wagner was arrested for mopery. Also, 1775, battle of Lexington and Concord, beginning of the Revolutionary War. We won, stupid Redcoats.

Quotes of the Week (don't have many, text me more)

"I don't have to apologize for playing the game the right way!"
Always gracious, Bob "Oil Can" Ford

"Hey, Brian, is it your birthday today???"
Some dumbass bartender at a shitty bar that I never go to

"See that guy, you won't have any idea how to play him."
"Yeah, seemed like the Art Museum knew how to play him!"
Benson and the Management about Benson's "new stud" and his contribution to the 14-4 beating at the hands of the Farties.

"I had a kid today just to piss off Whitmarsh."
Brian Willmarth about his new son Owen. Make all the "Throw Momma from the Train" and "Royal Tennenbaum" references you like.

"Shit!"
Donny every time Adam was up

"My boobs look amazing today!"
"I know! So do mine!"
Phyllis and La Nice before kissing

"Where's my shirt! Crap! This sucks!"
Buddy

"I have crabs."
Tucker

"I'm the worst manager!"
Robby, not MMN

"Where's the Midol?"
Chris Marino

"Look! Outside of looking like a pedophile and drinking warm beer, here's another thing I do well!"
Derm about his pitching

"I didn't say anything funny all game."
Mickey Mickowitz