The 3rd Annual NVMA Awards!!!!!

This award is given out yearly to the CCSL player who best exemplifies the attributes, dignity, and all around drunken foolishness of the late Nicholas Ventrola. Special consideration should be given to the following actions: total alcohol consumed, most racial slurs, drunk driving, destruction of private property while intoxicated, bat throwing, spontaneous loss of bowel control, needless yelling, needless arguing, needless jersey repair, flatulence, and violence to inanimate objects.
The nominees this year are:

MMN







Mini Marinos 2011 NVMA Award Winner






Phyllis "The Robo-lesbian"





Edward the Longshanks







Pam's Dog aka Poopyface Vaginanose







Buddy 2009 NVMA Award Winner


Tina 1742 NVMA Award Winner




Legless Pell






Runover Tin Cock "Drunkenly bikes into parked cars









Whiskey Frank








2012 Social Chair Ray








Write ins are welcome and encouraged.
Either send me your votes via email or paste them in the comments below. Yay!

Hoagiefest: Part Ducks

First of all, this post is a week late because I'm busy and you can all go F yourself with your shower nozzle.

Holy mother fucking shit! I think that's the easiest wait to start off this post. So many things to discuss, so little time (yes I do other things, Ed, ass!). Now that I've read both the Pencil and the Fake Collar "blog" I feel I can finally write this. Although, I think I would rather read Phyllis's digits in the Snackbar bathroom 100 times than have to read the fake Collar "blog" again. I thought the "yay"s were tough on the real blog, but crap man, I couldn't fall asleep faster by counting sheep.....jumping over the warts on Kyle Jacobs' vagina. Hey-O!
And on we go!

Just to get it off my chest. I watched "Jon Benjamin has a Van". Disappointed. I also went to Hoagiefest. Disappointed. Our lovely Phyllis, who I adore, put up a great fight and the evening was a spectacular success by all accounts. I mean seriously, I've been in this league for 8 years and even I didn't know half the CCSL players at Hoagiefest. Most were in the Bonaroo Band Circle from the Fleisher but who cares? Hippies need food too. Just not clothing.....hygiene....or any achievable way to make money. The turnout was the absolute best we've ever had at any event ever. Period. And it was all Phyllis's doing. Her boobs helped.
Why was I disappointed? It's easy. I wanted a hoagie, but extinct Commish Ron ate them all. Check the PnP blog on the left. Ron is the culprit. And he died during Prohibition. Unreal.

The Game The Recap

Fordo wrote a very good recap of the game from the side of the losers. Read it. It's tame, but it's good. So, as a winner, I'm going to write a half-assed account of the game from the side of the winners. Why we won? Timely hitting. Why it was close? Untimely defense. "The Lovely Pell" started pitching and our defense and their hitting allowed them to take a 6-0 lead. And, as you can tell, they scored 3 runs the rest of the game while we clawed our way back into the lead. It was 10-9, going into the bottom of the 6th with our bottom coming up. And, we scored a strong 4 runs with hits by our bottom and top to ice it. Good win. The Pencil came to play.

The Good

Fordo got a new crush. We won the game. We played consistent softball the entire game following the 1st inning debacle. Good defense. Timely hitting. Points.

The Bad

If we don't have a strong 6th inning, we maybe lose that game. Verne Siebert started his run of 17 straight line drive outs. Pell threw 14% strikes. Russ is a douche. Marcus didn't swear at anybody. THERE WERE NO FUCKING HOAGIES!

The Franklin Mystique

Perennial medical cadaver Ron, after eating all of the allotted Franklin Hoagies, went over to the Pencil on Edgely 8 and asked Fordo how the game was. Fordo responded, "how the fuck do you think?" MC Ron apparently didn't hear anything and sprinted past Fordo, picked up a quarter of a hoagie that someone had dropped, found a quiet dark corner where he sat eating, hunched over, looking up occasionally to see if anyone was plotting to steal it.

Lumber Liquidator Studs of the Week

Phyllis
Fleisher Band Circle
Buddy
Pell the Conqueror

Paul Watch

Paul showed up briefly at the game before he was smothered in relish and brown mustard and promptly engulfed by Ron.

NASDAQ Trade of the Week

We traded no hoagies for 35 pizzas. Sigh.

CIALIS Boner of the Week

Hard to give it to him with "boner" in the title and all, but Former Commish Ron forsaking his own game to make sure he got hoagified. On the Franklin, we call that a "Tucker."

Collarblog Syntactical Error of the Week

"and almost immediately we were getting that feeling back that we had against the Zoo"
Not a syntax error, but seriously? You need to get that Zoo feeling back? Aim higher.

Benedict Pickle's Historical Reference of the Week

June 21st, 1946 Bill Veeck purchases the Cleveland Indians for $2.2 million. He then marries Rachel Phelps, an exotic dancer, who tries to get the team to be as bad as possible so she can move the team to Florida. She also get naked cardboard-style.

Wagner's Movie of the Week

Starvation, 1989

Phyllis' Retro Porn Movie of the Week

White Men Can't Hump, 1992

Quotes From the Week

"We don't even get a blog post this week? Lame."
Fordo

"Give money to Phyllis for hoagies. You have to put it down her shirt though."
Nevins

"Ron Hungry! Ron Smash!"

"Look at all the little Fleisher nerds."
La Nice

"Aw, is that Nick's 4th one on one meeting?"

"Busy warming up the leather whip and handcuffs."
La Nice

"Hurry! Phylli's hoo-ha is hanging out the bottom of her dress."
La Nice, again

"Phyllis hasn't seen a wang like that since Beijing."
Mgmt

"That's hard."
Tina

"That girl looks like a gelfling."
Smellia

"That was really a Tucker thing for me to do."
Benedict Pickle

"I wanna be behind Tina."
Buddy

"Get the fuck off the cooler!"
"Balls!"
Mgmt to Tina

"Is that why teach preschool? Because you can't read?"
"No, because I can't add."
Pat to Alyssa

"Use condoms or you could get a rash or the herp."
"Yeah, not using a condom would be a rash decision."
Brett Favre and Pat, followed by a rimshot

"The game's over? We were still talking about how the Nazis died."
Benedict Pickle

"Were you talking about Nazis?"
Pell

"Fordo, do you know who went to get pizza?"
"Well, you're here. And Nick's there..............Nevins!"
Mgmt to Fordo

"Why does my blog suck so badly."
JTF

"Let's see if I can light this and hail some aliens."
Colach before burning off his eyelids

"From those of us who did not get a hoagie, "Thanks for making sure everone enjoyed Hoagiefest, Nick!""
Mickelberg

"My fallopian tubes are itchy."
Benson

"I'm a dick who's gonna move away from the CCSL."
Blonde Benson

"I hate this team."
Marcus

"Ha ha, I love this team!"
Lynch

06/20/11 Recap: Slightly Uncomfortable Touch

So, not so much the Bad Touch anymore. In fact, an all around fun game with no animosity, lots of joking, and some shoulder-removals (more on that in a bit). The final was 20-2 but it was much closer for most of the game. And, the Bad Touch paid their debt of a case of cold delicious PBRs smooths for a previous wager. Didn't expect it to be paid. Happiness all around. We did have to pour out one for our lost Homey, Clarence Clemons. Miss you big guy.

Recap

The Management had a phone interview for a jerb so he missed the first half of the game. I know I know. NEVER let your career interfere with CCSL softball. So I failed. My CCSL stock has now fallen below Buddy but ahead of Marcus so that means there's hope. When the Management did arrive, it was the 4th inning and the score was 9-0....then 11-0. So obviously, MMN called in the shut down closer, um......yours truly and also the "let them scratch back into it shortstop" also known as Chris M. The Management pitched beautifully for 3 innings giving up 2 UNEARNED runs before getting pulled in the 7th after giving up a seed to a 6-year old. Aforementioned 6-year old tatooed a ball of the Management right past a not-so-diving Brett Favre. Cheering ensued. Final score 20-2. Yay.

The Good

On to the books! Matty Matty Matty, 2 hits, 2 runs. The Black Marino and Mickey had 4 runs a piece. MMN went 3-3, Ed, again, failed to score. What a loser! Debbie scored on a sacrifice fly!!!!! 20 runs is a lot. Jason had 3 RBIs it looks like. Well played everyone! And Matty Matty Matty was there! The Mgmt nearly struck out Claudia AND Courtney. Good times.

The Bad (or funny)

Claudia struck out Benedict Pickle. It was delicious. Suzeeee took a hard one off the boob. Left side of the infield made about 47 errors. You know who you are! I only made 3.5 innings. Meh.
Alyssa got mad at the Management. Sorry Alyssa!!!!!! I love you oodles. The Mgmt gave up a seed to a 6 year old. Weak sauce. A Bad Toucher separated his shoulder. It looked bad. Our resident physical therapist said it looked really bad. We'll take his word. Hope its not as bad as Spencer's. But, likely, that guy isn't as much of a pussy as Spencer.

The Franklin Mystique

During the game, Blog favorite Claudia came up to bat against the Mgmt. The Management threw a first pitch strike to a stunned Claudia who exalted, "Whoa! That pitch was nasty!" Duh. The Management then threw a second pitch inside knowing that Claudia, a rookie, would get eager and foul it off to the left. Which....she did. Clearly frustrated, Claudia then took a step out of the dish, looked up at the sky, and said a quick prayer which, I believe, was directed at Haephestus, The Greek God of metallurgy and putting a third strike in play. She then stepped into the box and received another beautiful pitch from the beautiful CCSLer which, luckily, she was able to ground to C. Marino which, of course, meant that she got to first base. She then looked at the Management and said, "Thank you! I really appreciate it," knowing full well that he had allowed it to happen.

Lumber Liquidator Studs of the Week

Suzzeeee
Black Marino
MMN
Matty Matty Matty
Debbie
Alyssa
Buddy
Bad Touch Frank's son
Separated Shoulder Guy

NASDAQ Trade of the Week

The Management traded 3.5 innings of CCSL softball for a potential job in Wilmington. He got hosed.

Paul Watch

Beware the ThePaul, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the sleeveless bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersleeve!"

He took his vorpal bat in hand:
Long time the TapRoom foe he sought --
So rested he by the Edgely tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in neckless thought he stood,
The ThePaul, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffing through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the ThePaul?
Come to my sleeveless arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

CIALIS Boner of the Week

It goes to Phyllis for not moving Hoagiefest to Dairy 2 WHERE IT WAS LAST YEAR! You know, we have so few traditions in this league and, sigh, Phyllis has to go and defecate all over our most sacred one by changing fields for selfish reasons. Bad form, Phyllis. Bad form.

Collarblog Syntactical Error of the Week

"another key match up"

Benedict Pickle's Historical Reference of the Week

June 20th, 1793, Eli Whitney patents his cotton gin. And think where we would be without it!

Ed's Movie of the Week

What About Bob, 1991

Phyllis' Retro Porn Movie of the Week

The Opening of Misty Beethoven, 1975

Management's Scientific Explanation of the Week

How do vaccine's work? Well, your body has two broad mechanisms of defense to invading pathogens that act in concert. One, the humoral system, involves the production of antibodies by B cells which bind to viruses, bacteria, and parasites or cells that are infected with them. For many infections, antibodies are required for resistance. Vaccines work by stimulating an antibody response to a portion of the pathogen and inducing partial or full protection upon natural challenge. The antibody response is not optimal following vaccination as most vaccines are simple models of an actual infection and will wane over time which is why we give boosters to many vaccines. Vaccines, when taken broadly, can induce something called herd immunity where the chances of an infected person being able to pass the disease is extremely slim because everyone he/she comes into contact with has been vaccinated. This was the broad strategy for how we eradicated smallpox. The More You Know!!!!!


Quotes From the Week

"Drove by your game, looks like a Toucher got hurt."
P, and he did, badly

"I got yanked by a 6 year old."
Me, I'm told

"Buddy's mouth looks like an old Irish lady's vagina."
Pat

"Why didn't you just put it in the cooler?"
"Because somebody wanted to touch my wet weiner."
Debbie and Pat

"Is Nick still here?"
"Yeah, there's a groups of people, he's here."
"He's the one in the middle with his mouth open."
Brett Favre, Buddy and Pat

"It's douche couture."
About Nick's sunglasses

"My girlfriend just tried to kill the first baseman!"
Mickey

"You're never going to use those anyway."
Mickey about Nick's balls

"I'm terrible at writing my blog."
Flynn or Ryce, throw a rock.

"I'm sleeping 17 hours tonight so I can rage tomorrow at Hoagiefest."
Fordo

"I've played 2 seasons in this league and I'm the career leader in strikeouts."
Benedict Pickle

"How did your 900 number phone call go? We heard a lot of moaning from the dugout."
Ed about the Mgmt's phone interview. Which would have been funny had he not repeated it about 16 times like he thought it was the best joke ever.

"I want the buffalo hoagie!"
"We know! You've only said it like 400 fucking times."
Mgmt and La Mean

"Hoagiefest is at Dairy 2!!!!!"
Phyllis

Spotlight on the CCSL Vol. 7

Team: Pen & Pencil Softball Club and Sex Trafficking

Location: Somewhere between the Shire and Rivendell

Nipple size: medium, light brown tint

Favorite CCSL Player: Phyllis (clearly)

Favorite Movie: The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

If he were an Archer character he would be: Sterling Mallory Archer

Spirit Creature: Jack Lemmon

Herpes?: No

Genial Warts?: Yes, between 6 and 12

Last seen: Running out to short to beat up Russ for Marcus

Vegas Odds to sleep with Phyllis: pick 'em

Vegas Odds to sleep with Buddy: 6000 to 1

Claim to fame: Originally sat between Statler and Waldorf

Catch Phrase: "Whatever you want, Nevins."

Favorite Sexual Position: The Crusty Voyeur

CCSL Attractiveness Ranking: 6

Career Playoff Games: 80

Career Playoff Games in last 4 years: 0

Chances that he stuffs Brennan into his trunk and drives his car into a lake: Good

Number of CCSL players he knows: 45

Number of CCSL players he knows that are not the cute girls on other teams: 12

Hoagiefest Erection length (inches): Between 6 and 12

Least Favorite Professional Player: Desean Jackson

Odds he invented the internet: 3:1, either him or Al Gore

Ethnicity: Curmudgeon

Edventures list number: 18

Finish the sentence: Jon, there's Phyllis, can you make sure you get a picture of her _______ her nice__________ with grape jelly?

Favorite drink: stolen PBR

Protege: Alvin and the Tap Room, he won the "write a 400 word essay on why you want to be BF's assistant" contest

Tattoes: lower back, Swan with the words "Beak that Ass Up"

CCSL Free Time Ranking: 2nd, behind your truly

Where most people read his column: above the urinal at Lucky 7

Often confused with: Charles Lindbergh

CCSL Sandyness Ranking: 4

Time he will go home after Hoagiefest: 7:30 a.m. right after Legs 'N' Eggs at Delilahs

Number of prostitutes killed by him and Some Kind of Spanish: between 6 and 12

Career CCSL profanities: 8, 459

Favorite 1980s wrestler: Jimmy "Superfly" Snookah

Tuesday, June 14th, 2011, circa 7:18 E.D.T.

CCSL CALENDAR!!!!!!

Okay, the 2011 CCSL Calendar is in the works. And this year's boys are all the rage. The problem is that we have so many eligible hot pieces of arse that we can't fit them into 12 months....or La Nice's bedroom. So, we're having a contest. Here are your 60 contestants. They will be in the poll to the left.

60 for 12.

All the boys. It's not a popularity contest, but if you don't win, you should probably die.

Spotlight on the CCSL Vol. 6

Team: Fleisher Fart Museum

Nipple size: ask Ed

Favorite drink: Boilermaker

Favorite CCSL player: anyone with a pulse

Number of CCSL players she knows: 0, glaucoma

If she were an Archer character she would be: Mallory

Spirit creature: Arctic wolf

Likelihood she'll stab me after this post: strong

Likelihood she'll stab me if I don't post it: strong

Likelihood that knife will smell like Werthers: strong

Herpes?: No, wasn't invented yet

Claim to fame: was in the Shining

Vegas odds to sleep with Phyllis: 4:1

Vegas odds to sleep with Buddy: 5:2

Catch phrase: "These nipple clamps are itchy."

Favorite Sexual Position: The Ghost Banana

Edventures list number: 157

CCSL attractiveness ranking: 3

Number of castles haunted: 15

Career nipple twists: 2

Competitive Nikki Fear Factor: 7

Odds Joe is her son: slim, too young

Finish the sentence: When Tina saw Ray for the first time, he _______ her __________.

Was this picture staged?: No

Favorite food: mashed peas

Former career: private dancer (her words)

Favorite song: Camptown Races

Adjective that best describes the look she gives Nick: sultry

Number of CCSLers who claim her as their favorite: 27

Favorite 1980s wrestler: Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels

Week Something Recap: The Fart Museum

And yes, it was the most exciting game of our season by far. And yes, I won it. Me. I did. Me. On a game winning homerun in the 8th. And....that's the last I'll mention it. Me. Its funny that you can play like complete horseshit the whole game and then get the chance at redemption in the 8th. That's the beauty of this game and why we love it so much. It's also really nice to see that the team can not play to its potential, its shortstop can make 3 errors, we can go 6 innings with no bounces going our way and all of them going the other way, and then still win the game. We may not lose again this year.

Recap

A rare fun, competitive game between our teams with no controversial calls, no inter-team shit-talking, and no animosity. Probably because Ray wasn't there. 10-9 in 8 innings. Another nail biter. We lined out to infielders so much. I've never seen so many hard hit linedrive outs. 3 to Fart Lisa, 2 to Jeremy at 3rd, 1 to Giulio at 1st, 1 to Ryce. And that's what I remember, there may have been more but that's 1/3 of our outs. Weird. But there it was down 9-4 after 5. We scored 2 in the 6th and then the fun began. 9-6 going into the bottom of the 7th. Need 3 to tie. Bottom of the lineup. All seemed lost. Then, the softball gods who turned their backs on us in the first meeting, shined down upon the Force. And this, friends, is where we won the game. The next inning was just "gravy on the cake." I don't have the book but this is what I remember. Chris Marino, led off with a ground ball to 1st, bobbled, 1 on 0 outs. Candy, single to left, ran for her with Pell. Chris, single to right, Pell prances past 2nd but the ball gets away from Ryce so she's not tagged out....fortunately. Matty, single to left, bases loaded 0 outs. Leslie grounds into a force at 2nd Matty out, throw goes past 1st and Chris scores, 1st and 3rd 1 out, down 1 run. Ed grounds to Barb who throws past 1st base who wasn't paying attention, Leslie goes to 3rd. 1st and 3rd, 1 out. Gonzo runs for Ed. Renardo flies out. 2 outs, tying run at 3rd. Nick. Oh, Nicholas. With all the demons from the previous game on the line. Tying run at 3rd, bottom of the 7th, 2 outs.....and just when you think he couldn't do anything more stupid, he doubles to left and TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF! And he gets 40 miles to the gallon on that hog. Game tied. 2nd and 3rd. Verne Siebert at the dish. Chance to win it. Grounds to Ryce who backhands it without realizing it and throws him out by a scosche (sp?). Top 8. Bottom to top of lineup. 1st batter "singles" past me. Awesome. 2nd hitter grounds to Candy, Runner on 2nd 1 out. Barb ground out to me. Runner on 2nd 2 outs. Jeremy singles to left and with the runner holding at 3rd, gets thrown out trying to Nevins that single into a double. 0 runs. Bottom 8. And you know the rest. 10-9, taking the W from the jaws of defeat.

The Good

No such thing as a bad win in CCSL. Dropped the Fart Museum into a tie with us at 7-2 although they have the tie breaker by a run. Nearly guarantees that we'll be in the playoffs. As above, hitting in the 7th inning was nothing short of special. Matty looked like the Matty of old. Memorial Nick exorcised the demons. The Management got redemption for sucking for 6 innings. Candy looked rejuvenated at the plate, carving up the left side of the defense. Leslie and Pell showed off the sexy legs. Game was exciting and fun and you know its a good time when you leave the field covered in Pabst.

The Bad

I won't be making 3 errors or whatever they were again. I'll take my yearly mulligan. Hitting. Tough hitting, hard to say its our fault but more of a tip of the cap to their defense. Stellar plays out of Fart Lisa and Darryl. Verne and the Management went 1-6 for the first 5 frames and ended up 2-8 in the 3-4 holes. Not going to get it done. Fortunate. Threw the ball around. Correction. I threw the ball around. Ugh. Gave them easily 4 of those 9 runs. Ryce says they gave us runs too, which I'm sure they did, but really only gave us 1 in the 7th that cost them.
Got doubled off at 1st by Fart Lisa. That was bad. Also, MMN wasn't able to get a lot of people into the game and feels bad about it. Nature of the beast. Apologies to those who didn't get in.

The Franklin Mystique

After the game, Ryce came up to MMN and the Management and said, "Wow. What a game! I can't get over it, that was a ball-crushing defeat." At this MMN turned and said, "what would you know about balls?" "Well, I know they may be grape-sized but I know that even if they were basketball-sized, I would still catch more of them than your shortstop." Well played Mauer.

Lumber Liquidator Studs of the Week

in order
Candy
Pell (WP!)
Chris
Matty
Leslie
Ed
Gonzo
Black Marino
MMN

Also, Debbie for the sweet pics.

NASDAQ Trade of the Week

During the weeks in between Fart games, The Franklin Institute traded in an unclutch lineup for one that actually wins games. We promised to give up a significant part of the large stick that is up Vellia's ass.

Paul Watch

With all the excitement and media presence following the win, no one noticed that a hulking figure wearing 65% of a normal shirt walked slowly through the outfield using the typical knuckle-walking common to gorillas.

CIALIS Boner of the Week

I've already ripped myself enough so I'll give it Jeremy for getting thrown out at second with the go ahead run on 3rd. Honorable mention to MMN getting doubled up and Pete not tagging on 3rd and then getting doubled off at the plate.
ADDITION Jeremy would like to suggest that Kyle Jacobs gets the nod for not sending Julio at 3rd on that same play. Fight it out in the comment section.

Collarblog Syntactical Error of the Week
"Foreshadowed by the return of John 'CHOP' George, making his 2011 debut, this game against the Zoo will go down as one of the greatest wins in Collar history." Not really foreshadowing.
CORRECTION Apparently, CHOP had the game winning RBI so this is a correct usage of foreshadowing. Apologies to Flynn, the Collar, and anyone else harmed by this egregious accusation.

Benedict Pickle's Historical Reference of the Week

June 7th, 1954 1st microbiology laboratory dedicated, New Brunswick, New Jersey. Yup. Microbiology. Go school!

Wagner's Movie of the Week

Sabrina, 1995

Phyllis' Retro Porn Movie of the Week

Bi-Tanic, 2001

Quotes from the Week

"Congratulations on the win, how many errors did you have again?"
Kyle Jacobs

"I heard you tell Candy where to pitch me."
"Do you think she has that good control?"
Jeremy and The Mgmt

"Of course he knows the cab driver."
Mgmt of Ryce

"I'd like to see the videogram of that."
Ryce

"This blog better be lurid."
Ed

"I just hit the game-winning hit! I can't wait to get Phyllis-latio!"

"Nick said you had been arrested, seemed reasonable."
Ed

"You know Marcus' stories are not bullshit because he doesn't get laid at the end."
Marcus

"Soon is very relevant."
Ed

"The best part's the middle. That's the part you lick."
Timmeh

"I got them scared for their children."
Alyssa

"Sucks that the Zoo blew that lead for us."
"Yeah a Collar loss would have been nice."
"Nice? Nice? It would have pulled my dick out of the fire."
Fordo

"I only eat organic foods."
"Do you have ANY idea what that even means besides prententious?"
NTBD

"No, I'm home. I'm exhausted from being up all night drinking."
Phyllis, feel free to insert any other verb for drinking

"I got a hit!"
Good for you, Taint

"Ray won't be here because he's recovering from his surgical 'stonesectomy'"
Some Farter

"Will you watch my dog? Phyllis and I have to go to a kissing and fornication retreat."
La Nice

"Oh, look who's not sandy anymore?"
My stupid fiancee

"There was a cute girl on our bench and I didn't see her for 5 innings?"
"Yeah, you were in a dark place there."
Mgmt and Matty

"I miss my wife."
"We all do, Pete."

"I love you Ryan! You won the game and you are sexy and gorgeous and your penis must be the size of an Olympic size javelin."
-Kate Beckinsale

"It's Guilio, not Julio, douche!"
Julio

"I hate the fact that I put up a picture of my stupid fat ass."
Stupid fat ass

"Thanks for the poll! I vote for Mars landscape."
Buddy

"Where's Mary?"
"Anthrax production convention."
Buddy

"So here's my number and the address for the women's shelter where I'm either volunteering or dropping off my stupid whore wife."
American Dad, sorry, it was on and I laughed out loud

"Hey, Ryan, do you want to go Green Lantern?"
"Hells yeah, when? It's gonna be awful, but I'll go."
"Oh, I meant that as a joke. Cause you like those movies."
"Oh, so we're not gonna go?"
Somebody and the Mgmt, I wish I remember who. It was rather mean.

"My gift to Pell this week since she scored a crucial run AND was the winning pitcher is not to mention her crippling racism and Nazism leanings."

"Listen, I know it was a good hit and there's a chance I'm gonna score, but if I were in the outfield, I would have busted my ass so hard to make sure that an asshole like me doesn't get a walkoff HR. Yeah, he may get to 3rd, and he'll probably score on the next pitch, but THAT asshole doesn't get to win it!"
"I know! That's why I threw the ball at your head after you scored."
Mgmt and Ryce



OH and one more thing. Cara with a C got into grad school and leaves for England soon. This blog loves her, and will miss her, and even though she sucks at Street Fighter, apparently she's good at arting. Wish her the best and give her a good CCSL send off....with lots of criticism, personally offensive remarks, and drunken abuse. Good times. Satan bless you AvecC!

The Gloves shall remain in an off position until further notice.

So, as requested by the Farts, here's the update on their scouting report. Yay! What I wrote previously is in bold and the order has been revised given what they showed last time.

1) Jeremy
New to the team. Limited scouting on him. Little deep power, but good linedrive gap hitter. Trouble hitting down right field line, but hits to right center well. Generally a gap to gap hitter with little attempts at the lines. May bat 2nd. Often gets himself out with bad pitch selection.
Well, apparently the little guy can hit wherever he wants. Good for him. So, to revise, showed no power against us but hit linedrives down the left field line and into right center. Still gets anxious at the plate, doesn't like taking pitches. Limit to singles.

2 Ben
a polished left handed hitter with occasional deep power. He tends to be a linedrive pull hitter but can occasionally hit the left field gap. Generally gap power, no real power to left, deep power to straight away right only.
Showed mostly pull power against us. Exploited right field all day but could have been limited to 1 or 2 hits with better right field play. Gets super competitive easily.

3 Rice
Could be batting anywhere from 2-5 as with Ray, Kyle, and Darryl. Says he changed his swing this year, last year he hit poorly against us. No power to right field, moderate power to left with a fly ball tendency. Best suited for linedrives up the middle to the right side. Did hit 2 "homeruns" against the Collar, at least one was a misplay by Collar leftfielder.
Still pretty much dead on. Didn't hit that well against us. Apparently didn't hit very well against the Pencil when they lost. See what he brings to the table this evening.

4 Darryl
Probably the most power on the team. Likes to hit long fly balls but is smart enough to take a single if the team needs it. Knock on that is that he can't do it consistently, sooner or later he will fly out to left center field. Power to all fields, moves his feet well to hit to right field. Could go 4-4 or 0-4 depending on which Darryl shows up. Challenge?
May actually play tonight as forecast doesn't call for rain.

5 Kyle Jacobs
May bat earlier in the lineup, deep power to right center to left. Inconsistent swing, can hit long flies or pop the ball up to shallow outfield, no power to right, inside out swing that carries the ball, oddly, from left center to center from a right handed bat. Trouble hitting singles when required.
Well, now we know he reads the blog regularly and likes to show up the Management. Points for that. Still, he'll end up 2-4 with 2 singles or doubles and 2 fly outs. You can set your watch to it.

6 Ray
Formerly a flyball pull hitter, changed his approach is now primarily linedrive spray to middle and to the right side. Likes to hit the ball on either side of the second basemen. Has some power, usually declines to show it now. Coaching has made him a smarter hitter. Still a douche.
The Social Chair wants to show that the loss to Pencil was a fluke and they can beat the best team in the league twice in a year. Scouting report is accurate. Smart and likes to take advantage of weaknesses. Maybe he'll pitch again? We can only hope.

7 Barb
No book on her really. Tends to pull, no power.
Slightly more of a book. Still the same. Nice girl though.

8 Second base girl (Jeannette apparently)
Always forget her name, haven't seen much of her, plays a good defensive second base I'm told. Book will come out after I watch her swing.
Still have no idea, didn't play last time.

9 Fart Lisa
A blog favorite, solid hitter linedrive to all fields, can beat outfielders that cheat because she's a girl (I think)
Didn't play last time. Scouting report still seems accurate.

NA Whiskey Frank
Left handed, mostly pull, not too much power, may not play because he's too drunk. Brings a bottle of whiskey out when he plays. Gets major points for that.
Dead pull hitter, dead whiskey drinker. Killed us to right field. Doesn't matter now, won't be there tonight.

10) Bearded Jeans guy
Plays outfield, wears jeans, little else is known. Probably a Willie Nelson fan.
Wasn't there. Unclear.

11) Julio
Didn't have a report last time. Right handed hitter with limited power. Ground ball and line drives to shallow left-right center. That's all I got.

12) Cara Avec C
Another blog favorite, sometimes catches, bad at Street Fighter
Still love her but she won't play because Ray doesn't play her against winners.

13 Khaleef
Easily the fastest guy in the league. It's not even close. He will have two hits most likely depending on how his first hit goes. He likes to hit the ball on the ground but has difficulty doing it consistently. If he starts off with a ground out and/or a pop out, he tends to start popping the ball up. Little power deep.
Fallen out of favor with The Museum. Bats way down in the lineup. Odd. Easiest way to give somebody a complex.

Week 8 Recap: The Fartlets part 2

Another evening with Tina came and went, and with very little bodily injury. Yay! Big win for the currently 2nd place Forcs, and momentum is increasing from a couple of mishaps in the first half of the season. We started the second half of the 2011 CCSL season with a big 26-8 victory against Tina and the FAMbees. The Fartlies stumbled against the quietly dangerous P&PSC&ST. More on that later. Yay!

Recap

We led off the game with the early candidate for the MVP Renardo taking 12 pitches and ripping a single up to left center. Next up, Management steps to the plate looking over his shoulder towards Edgely 7. Crack of the bat, ball goes through the right fielder and continues to go. And go. And go. And Management trots around the bases and crosses the plate, picks up his glove and bag and continues onward southwest against traffic to Edgely 7. What? Weird. After six of the next seven batters get on, we end the top half of the 1st with a 6 spot. Solid start.

FAM comes to the bat and the leadoff hitter hits a pop up to Wiggs at 2nd. It falls and MMN gets the error. Who is keeping the book? We can't stop the bleeding in time and we give up 3 runs. We come back and 3 of the top 4 batters at the top of the lineup score in inning 2 and we get 4 runs, shut out the FAM in the bottom half of the inning only to get shut out ourselves in the top of the 3rd. FAM scores 2 in the bottom of the frame. That's where is stops, and we outscore our opponents 16-3 for the rest of the game. Good job team. As Phyllis would say, "Yay team! Yay sports!"

The Good

Well, lots of good. The Management wasn't there to piss people off, that was good. MMN got to coach out of the shadows of all the greats that coached the Force before him. So he was finally in a good mood. Buddy grew hair......nope, that didn't happen. Overly competitive FAMbee captain Nikki was...overly competitive. Yay! Everyone got in and hit the ball well, I'm told, except Brett Favre who's cut.

The Bad

Well, apparently, I'm ridiculously late with the blog. You all can go fornicate yourself with an iron stick, I'm busy. And I had to leave one game to play in another which I hated, but, well...see aforementioned stick. Also, no Matty.

The Franklin Mystique

When the game was finally over, Tina came over and said to MMN, "You know, you may have beaten us today, but at least this game was a lot more fun that playing the Tap Room. That awful Benson is soooo annoying. You sleep with a guy once and they won't leave you alone. He's like a cat waiting by the back door for a saucer of milk."

Lumber Liquidator Studs of the Week

I have no fucking clue....um, Fonio?

NASDAQ Trade of the Week

Well, more of a loan, but The Management was traded to a lawyers team along with a bat for -5 PBRs and a complete lack of Franklin animosity.

Paul Watch

Upon seeing his semblance upon the blog last week, representatives from the Paul's legal team contacted The Management saying such things as "bears no likeness" "aforementioned Paul does not in fact exist" "cease and desist" "legal castration" etc etc. The Management look the letter rolled it up into a tight ball and gave it to Buddy to "lose." Whereabouts of the letter are unknown.

Cialis Boner of Week

Me, going to play in a different lopsided game. Weaksauce. Dukes.

Collarblog Syntactical Error of the Week

"it is awesome looking"

Benedict Pickle's Historical Reference of the Week

May 31st, 1990, Seinfeld debuts and begins its run of magnificence. In hindsight, people should never have watched this show. Not because it is unfunny, or not well done, but because its popularity made the public endure shows by Tim Allen, Kevin James, Ray Romano, George Lopez, Damon Wayans, Jeff Foxworthy, that other dude who travels with Foxworthy, and other wretched individuals. Seriously? Tim Allen can be on TV for 10 years but we can't find a proper vehicle for Andy Richter? This stupid country.

Wagner's Movie of the Week

Kazaam, 1996

Phyllis Retro Porn Movie of the Week

Anal Chiropracter

Pounder Tag Season Update

Managment with a 3-1 win over MMN on Saturday
Season: Mgmt 6 MMN 3

Quotes from the Week

"Yeah, we read your blog. The rest of the team doesn't like it though. They don't get any of it and they think it's dumb."
FAMNikki

"We lost to the Pencil. We lost to the Pencil."
Rice

"Twinkle and Puss-puss are here!"
P&L

"Our friend is a squirter but she must have been dehydrated."
Who do you think?

"That is not the game to shit myself."
Management

"I had nightmares last night about our matchup.....and Ray's ability to manage....and penguins."
Kyle Jacobs

"I'm in a new lab but I still look like a chipmunk with a headcold."
Elia

"Oh, Nicky-poo!"
Some weird old person

"Yo, I gotta be in New Yaork this week for bizzness. If I'm not back by July tell Amy she can have my stuff."
Stick

"I know the Management wasn't here to know for sure but I'm positive I still didn't say anything funny or interesting."
Buddy

"Nope, you didn't say anything funny or interesting."
Mickey

"I hope he didn't use the small child for arm curls."
Mick of the Paul

"Oh, I'll be there! But I can't drink, hit, throw, or drive a car."
Pettrucinjured

"I'm just saying I'm a drunktard."
Derm

"It's so hot. Can I pitch with my top off?"
Tina, actually