Team: Pen & Pencil Softball Club and Sex Trafficking
Location: Somewhere between the Shire and Rivendell
Nipple size: medium, light brown tint
Favorite CCSL Player: Phyllis (clearly)
Favorite Movie: The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
If he were an Archer character he would be: Sterling Mallory Archer
Spirit Creature: Jack Lemmon
Herpes?: No
Genial Warts?: Yes, between 6 and 12
Last seen: Running out to short to beat up Russ for Marcus
Vegas Odds to sleep with Phyllis: pick 'em
Vegas Odds to sleep with Buddy: 6000 to 1
Claim to fame: Originally sat between Statler and Waldorf
Catch Phrase: "Whatever you want, Nevins."
Favorite Sexual Position: The Crusty Voyeur
CCSL Attractiveness Ranking: 6
Career Playoff Games: 80
Career Playoff Games in last 4 years: 0
Chances that he stuffs Brennan into his trunk and drives his car into a lake: Good
Number of CCSL players he knows: 45
Number of CCSL players he knows that are not the cute girls on other teams: 12
Hoagiefest Erection length (inches): Between 6 and 12
Least Favorite Professional Player: Desean Jackson
Odds he invented the internet: 3:1, either him or Al Gore
Ethnicity: Curmudgeon
Edventures list number: 18
Finish the sentence: Jon, there's Phyllis, can you make sure you get a picture of her _______ her nice__________ with grape jelly?
Favorite drink: stolen PBR
Protege: Alvin and the Tap Room, he won the "write a 400 word essay on why you want to be BF's assistant" contest
Tattoes: lower back, Swan with the words "Beak that Ass Up"
CCSL Free Time Ranking: 2nd, behind your truly
Where most people read his column: above the urinal at Lucky 7
Often confused with: Charles Lindbergh
CCSL Sandyness Ranking: 4
Time he will go home after Hoagiefest: 7:30 a.m. right after Legs 'N' Eggs at Delilahs
Number of prostitutes killed by him and Some Kind of Spanish: between 6 and 12
Career CCSL profanities: 8, 459
Favorite 1980s wrestler: Jimmy "Superfly" Snookah
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